Punk Rock and My Personal Evolution

I feel the more I learn about punk music, particularly that of the early-mid 80's in America, the more I begin to understand where I want to go and how I want to live. Looking at the band Black Flag, which I used to look up to as the epitome of "punk" music because of its intensity and rawness I now begin to contempt. Not for the formerly stated rawness and intensity, but more so for Henry Rollin's part in the band. I respect Henry Rollins for his work ethic and intense performance, as well as opinions on things. I used to think of him as a very strong person. On the flip side, Ian Mackaye, whom I also respect a great deal, used to rub me the wrong way because of his preaching and "buzz killing" attributes. For example, he stops playing if people are are speaking too loud, getting too rowdy etc. This, on the one hand, is respectable because of his ability to control a situation that would otherwise become a contemptible experience for concert goers, and that it brings a different form of control to an already alternative form of performing music.

Anyways, the dichotomy of these two figures in punk, who are ironically best friends and have been for years, represents more a dichotomy of ideas and their place in my outlook on music/life. Henry Rollins is a more disturbed person, often pitying himself and delving deep into his own troubled past. He uses music as an outlet for this, as a sort of psychological cleansing (which Black Flag guitarist Gregg Ginn describes their music to be essentially). Ian Mackaye, however, commands a mastery over himself and uses well thought out ideas and ethos to dictate his life. He emits a more "positive" archetype of a punk rocker. He also work to help his community, and though an international "punk icon", i guess you could call him, he focuses on his roots in Washington D.C. and continually works from a "simplified" mindset. That is, he's pragmatically efficient to the point where it exudes spirituality, though not at all in the normal sense. Rollins and Mackaye both have a strong work ethic, though they operate from on very different motivational catalysts. Rollins keeps himself busy with his work to forget his troubled past, or to avoid depression. This is at least the attitude he gives off in interviews and spoken word performances. Mackaye on the other hand works because of his own personal conviction, a desire for alternative lifestyles, and genuine love for passion for honest music and the community in which it thrives. Here is where I begin to see my own dilemma.

Understanding the differences between the two, which I believe are more heavily based on each individual's motivation, helps me to evaluate certain attitudes and values I have had in the past and am beginning to adopt now. Before going any further,, I must separate my personality and life arbitrarily in order to assess some sort of personal evolution. "Old Kris" is the cynical, unbearably angry self/attitude I carried not more than a year ago. In this mindset I hated everything and everyone, again in an abstract sense. I had many people I loved and admired, but I had an intense dissatisfaction and anger towards all of humanity and existence. I felt the only hope for my, or any other life would be annihilation. In addition, I walked high on a pedestal of elitism and preachiness. I suffered from the problem of Nihilism, that life had no meaning, no purpose, and nothing was better than anything else. Again, I believed this in an abstract sense; i.e I still enjoyed Coke over Pepsi. Here, I was unable to cope with not being told or given a standard or set of ideas and beliefs to dictate my life. No God, no laws, no standards, no bedrock to rest any of my assumptions. I was seeking an end for life. Here is where I see Rollins. I immersed myself in Philosophy and contempt, he immersed himself in music/writing. Both are great creative outlets when not a purpose unto itself. This is like building a house on quicksand, although there is activity and something to be shown for one's labor, it is in vain.

I can blame this attitude on a number of different people or life events, but I know it was only myself, and only my own mind that was weighing me down: and their was a tremendous weight. This reflected in my music, my friends, my inability to commit to anything, my indecision, and my whimsical thinking. I was looking for escapes in everything. It was not until I began to stop blaming others and accept the fact that there is no one or nothing to turn to. I found solace in music still, as well as Philosophy (Nietzsche mostly), but I began to understand what the real problem was. I was not accepting my existence as an end unto itself. This is a very liberating and empowering realization. It implies that one is always accomplishing their purpose, if they so choose to name it as such. For me, this is it. This is positive existentialism, atheism, Punk rock, spiritualism, whatever. This was my bedrock. After this I began to care less and less about my identity, about philosophy as I had thought of it before (as a dick size comparing contest) and began to understand what it meant to lie life "authentically". Here is where I begin to understand Mackaye's side of things. Mackaye must have some understanding of this, either conscious or unconscious, because he stands firmly on his own two feet. He takes hold of his life, does not feel pity for himself (to my knowledge) and works to improve what he can. He is a positive self-willer. One who is able to use his life as an experiment, and work to find a better way of living for himself. Again, I do not so much like Mackaye because of him as a person, I disagree with him on many of his beliefs and conviction, but I do support the idea he represents. He represents action to me. Will power, a form of existing that allows one to be a true individual in such a herd-centered world. He jams econo, he plays with his heart, he speaks his mind, and he stands by his convictions. This is what I have discovered. It is a confidence not in an objective way of living that a religion or "movement" would provide, but a way of assessing YOUR life and living it YOUR way. It is well known too that Mackaye sparked the whole "Straight Edge" thing unintentional. It was more so fed off of his own personal example by either those who were/are direction less and were looking for their savior, or others who just thought it was a good idea.

This is the power I have found. Although I am not as strong or settled on my convictions or beliefs as Mackaye, there is a cognitive change that has occurred. An existential outlook that allows me to live my own life. To embrace nihilism rather than deny it, or whimper in its shadow. This has allowed me to revalue a great deal of things that I had formerly believed in, but on a much more authentic level. I love punk not for its brand, nor its nostalgia, but for its model. It carried the torch of self reliance that has been passed since at least the Socratic days. Thinking for yourself, living vitally, being innovative and creative, simple living, questioning authority, and philosophizing are all tenants of this. It is not restricted to punk, nor rock, nor music, or art or anything. It is a model of living that allows one, empowers one, to live their own lives. Nietzsche lived it, Socrates lived it, Iggy Pop lives it, Ian and Rollins live it, and we can all live it.

Now time to preach.

I see in my own problem a problem a lot of people have, more so for atheists, but also anybody who is looking to live a more honest life. I do not have idols. Contrary to what you may get from my Mackaye/Rollins example, I do not idolize or worship them in any way. They are just examples of other musicians/artists/businessmen who live in a way I find to be acceptable. I also do not place myself in pigeon holes anymore, nor try to play out roles. This is what distresses me. People are constantly trying to place themselves into molds. They are the "funny fat guy", the "intellectual coffee shop occupant", or the "angry Metalhead". Its all bullshit, and its all doomed to make one unhappy. You are a much better human being than you suppose, and probably much more interesting you remain yourself rather than limiting your personality to some prefabricated idea so people will like you. If people find you vulgar, fuck them. If they find you eccentric, marvel in it. Don't be afraid to be a weirdo or outcast. Be comfortable with being by yourself. Have strong relationships, and never wish away where you are in life. I do not speak this from a mountain down to you "lowly commoners". I am speaking as a fellow human being, from my own experience. Its your choice to listen. Hell, its all your choice.

I'll finish by pointing out also that I do not respect Henry Rollins any less, he is a wonderful person who has used his pain to do great things for the world.I could write just as flattering an essay on him. That is for another time, and another issue.

Jam Econo, Stay True